School can be challenging for both children and parents. Children with problematic behaviour at school can cause a lot of stress for both the child and the parents. This is especially when you're a parent of a child with "attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder" (ADHD). If you have a child who is hyperactive, easily distracted and has difficulty focusing on anything for long periods of time, you are going to experience a lot of "heat". This is especially true if your child is in school. If you are concerned about your child's behaviour at school, these 10 tips will help you deal with both the "little" things and the "big" stuff.
1. Understand The Contributing Factors
When your child does not want to do something, the first thing you want to do is to find out why. Deal with the cause, not the symptom! Don't simply tell him he has to or that you are very angry. Find out the real reason he doesn't want to do what he has been told to do. Keep notes on this and try to understand his point of view. Note that this is a radical change from the "Do as I say" approach many parents use with their children.
We need to understand our children's point of view. Are his physical and emotional needs met? Has there been a lot of changes recently? Does he have an activity he likes better? Is he feeling sad or anxious? If the answers are not immediately clear, you can ask open-ended questions and listen to the answers without judgement.
It is much better to understand the real reasons behind your child's actions than to simply force him to do what you want. You will have a much happier, more peaceful life if you learn to communicate instead of control. If you do this, you will be surprised at how much your child will start to respect and like you! And, trust me, this will go a long way to making him respect and like whatever it is you are trying to teach him. Also, pay attention to what your child is doing when he is refusing to do something. Often the behavior that you are trying to get rid of is occurring because of something that your child is not getting, or is not understanding.
The new approach is to to say "I understand. You feel that way for a good reason. Let's talk about it and maybe work it out." Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Try to put yourself in your child's place. Would you like it if someone told you you had to do something you didn't want to do? How would you feel if someone told you it was okay not to do something you wanted to do because "it wasn't fair"?
2. Acknowledge their feelings
Encourage your child to express his feelings and tell him it is OK to have them. Look for signs that he is uncomfortable, sad or angry. If you notice these signs, don't push the issue. Instead, talk with him about his feelings and name those feelings. Acknowledge his feelings by saying something like, "I know that right now you are feeling frustrated and angry. I can see that your homework is due tomorrow and you haven't finished it yet. It's no wonder you are feeling this way. I would be too if I had to do the same thing. It's hard work finishing all those school assignments and I know how important they are to you." Acknowledging and naming your child's feelings will make a lot of difference! Make yourself as emotionally available as you can to help your loved ones through this time.
If you know that your loved one is upset, acknowledge it, even if you do not agree with the reasons behind those feelings. Don't try to convince him that he is wrong. Just let him know that you are aware of how he is feeling. If he feels heard and understood, he will be much more likely to start the healing process and to eventually be able to get past these feelings. More importantly, when your child feels understood, he may start opening up to tell you what he really needs. He may say he just needs more time or may tell you that he needs help with the homework or just needs to not feel so overwhelmed by his school work.
3. Listen Attentively
Be sure to really listen to the person. It’s easy to listen to the words and think that you know what they’re going to say next. But take the time to really listen. Showing your loved one that you are listening to them and that you are there for them will mean a great deal to them, and will help them to feel supported.
Avoid giving advice, instead, listen and ask questions. Listen to what they have to say, and try to understand why they are feeling this way. You may ask your child to tell you more. You might say, "Tell me more about how you feel about this." or "Tell me more about what you are thinking".
Avoid argumentation and using phrases like "You shouldn't feel that way." or "Why do you think like that?" Instead, listen to him without judgement and validate what he is saying by using phrases like "I see", "I hear you", "I understand", and "I can see how you would feel that way".
Paraphrase and repeat their words back to them to confirm you are understanding them correctly. You may not agree with his reasons, but you will at least be hearing him. And that's the first step to really helping him! Just let him know you are present and there for him no matter what. "I know you are upset. I'm really sorry about that. I'm here for you. What can I do to help? Can I get you anything?"
4. Don't focus on the negatives
It's not enough to find out why the behaviour happened; you must also find a way to make sure it doesn't happen again. If you truly want to turn around a child's life, you must take steps to prevent the same behavior from recurring. You can't just tell your child he'll be punished if he doesn't follow directions; you must devise some sort of positive reinforcement to ensure he does follow your directions.
Give positive attention when your child is doing well. Praise him when he does the right thing. Praise his effort and that he did a good job trying and not the outcome. Also praise your child for good choices he makes - quickly and often!
Accept that your child will have bad days. Just keep trying and don’t get frustrated. Have a “No Fault” Policy and don’t ever say, “It’s your fault because you didn’t do this or that.” Avoid placing attention or punishing the child for "bad" behaviour, it will only encourage them to keep doing what they're doing.
5. Allow the child to brainstorm solutions
Give him some time to come up with solutions on his own. This will give your child the feeling that he is capable of solving problems. Allowing him to participate in the process of coming up with solutions also gives him a sense of control and personal empowerment, which in turn will help him develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. You'll both feel better if you can brainstorm some solutions together because sometimes just talking things out helps. This will also help make your relationship stronger and hopefully prevent a lot of future problems!
One idea your child might have is to do some research to see if there is a "right" way to deal with a particular situation. Another idea could be for your child to create a drawing or a sculpture as a way of expressing himself and you both working together to find an appropriate solution! Whatever solution your child comes up with will almost certainly not be the "correct" one... but... it will be a step in the right direction. By allowing your child to be creative, he or she will be able to channel all that pent-up energy in a positive way. Remember that your child is extremely intelligent... even when he or she is acting like a 2-year-old! Allow your child to use his brain. Let him come up with solutions with your guidance.
6. Give choices, not orders
Give choices - let your child make decisions instead of telling him what to do. Children need to learn to think for themselves and to have some autonomy. But too much independence can be as bad as no independence at all. A little independence is good but a lot of it is not. You have to know when to let your child make his own decisions and when to step in and make the decision for him. This is an important skill for parents. Parents tend to think that they know better than their children and what's best for them. Sometimes, this is not only unfair to the child; it is also unkind.
Offering choices also reduces power struggle. Children who feel as if they have no power to change a situation do not want to cooperate. They want to fight. They want the power. If, however, you offer them choices, they feel as if they are in control of the situation. You may say "You can either leave your toy in your bag or you leave it in the car", or "You may read your books outside of class time either before class, or after class".
Giving options allow your child to make his own decision without you imposing your will on him. It teaches him to be self-reliant and it makes him a more well-adjusted person and become a more responsible adult. All of these things are important for him to know and to experience as he grows up. When you give your child choices, he will usually make the right choice. But if he does not - and we all make mistakes - then give him another option. Don't just keep saying "No! No! No!" over and over. That won't teach your child anything except that he should do what you say because it's easier.
Offering choices allows your child to see that there are several different ways he can solve a problem and many different options available to him. Giving choices teaches your child that there are often more than one right answer. It also helps him develop the ability to evaluate the pros and cons of each option and makes him a better decision maker in the future. When you give your child options, don't worry if he picks the wrong one. Instead, praise him for even trying. And don't get upset if he chooses the wrong option. Remember, he's still learning and making mistakes is how he learns. So give him lots of choices and let him make mistakes.
7. Develop a Game Plan
Have a clear view of what is expected from your child. If he is expected to do certain tasks, what are they and how often will they be expected to be done? If he is expected to follow the teachers' instructions, explain to him what the consequences will be if he doesn't do it. Have a consistent consequence for every offence. Will he lose the privilege of playing computer games? Make sure the consequence is one that your child will understand even if he is young.
Similarly, if the child follows through with what is expected of him, develop a reward system to encourage him to continue. This could include giving him a note saying "It was nice to have you around today" or some other recognition he will value. A simple "Thank You" will go a long way. Also, don't forget to praise him for good behaviour! Praise is an important component in developing self-esteem. It can also help avoid power struggles later on.
Make sure you state clearly about what is expected. Don't expect your child to read your mind. If he has difficulty following instructions, maybe he needs more help from an adult. Don't make the mistake of thinking because your child is getting older, he won't need any help.
Make sure you discuss with your child how the game plan will be enforced. What will be the reward and what will be the consequences. Also, be sure to discuss any changes that may need to be made to the game plan as your child tries it out. For example, if he is finding it hard to follow through, you might decide to lower the expectations so he won't get discouraged.
8. Communicate using "I" statements
Other than being specific when telling your child what you want him to do, the way that you communicate it is also very important. Use "I" statements when communicating with your child. Avoid using "you" statements. An "I" statement is an assertive statement that is not accusatory, and clearly states what you want done. A "you" statement is accusatory and puts your child on the defensive. For example: "I don't like it when you..." Instead of: "You always...". Using "I" statements makes it less likely that your child will feel attacked, and more likely that he will comply with your request.
Here are some examples of "I" statements: "I wish you would stop playing with your food." "I think it's time for you to go to bed." "I'd like you to clean your room." "I'd like you to put the dirty clothes in the hamper." "I'd like you to take out the garbage." "I wonder why you are putting on so much weight?" Instead of: "You never listen to me." "You shouldn't eat so much candy." "You shouldn't stay up so late." "You should keep your room cleaner." "You shouldn't eat so many cookies." "You're getting fat."
9. Set firm but fair limits
Set firm but fair limits for your child. For example, no more than half an hour of video games a day. Don't nag or bribe your child to do what you want. Instead, tell him the rules and consequences of his actions. If necessary, remove or limit access to privileges like electronic devices (such as video games). Set clear rules and consequences and follow through on them.
The idea is not to control your child but to set reasonable limits that will help him become a responsible adult. Setting limits does not mean you are a "nag" or that you don't love your child. Quite the opposite - it shows that you love your child enough to set reasonable boundaries for his behavior so he can learn to be a self-sufficient, law-abiding citizen. You'll be amazed at how quickly he'll adjust to these limits if they're fair and don't conflict with his basic needs. Don't expect him to cheerfully give up his habit. It's a hard thing to give up. But if you firmly establish the rules and consequences, he will eventually adjust and even enjoy some healthy competition with himself to see who can stay in control for the longest time.
Don't give in to his demands... stand your ground! If you remove a child's access to something that he wants once, he'll quickly learn that when you say "no" it means "no." If you remove it a second time, he'll quickly learn that when you say "no" it means "never." Say things like, "I know you don't want to do this. I really don't either but we have to. There isn't any other choice."
Don't punish to make a point. Don't use punishment as a way to "get your point across" or to "teach your kid a lesson." This only creates bad habits in your child. Instead, use positive reinforcement whenever possible. It will have the same impact but is much more effective and will create better long-term behaviour.
10. Model patience and consistency
Model the behaviour you want to see in him. Children learn by example... so... don't get mad at your child for acting out, instead, show him how to behave appropriately! Do not nag, yell or scream at them. This will only make things worse. Instead, try to remain calm and firm... but kind. if you are a relaxed, non-confrontational person, your child will learn to be the same way!
First of all, try to remember that, although your child may not be behaving the way you would like, he or she is not doing it on purpose. Your child is wired to need lots of feedback and approval. It is not something that your child can control. Your child needs to know that you are listening to him or her. Your child needs to feel validated.
We are not saying that your child will not be annoying. You may have to endure quite a bit of crying, whining, or moaning. There are a few things you can do to help yourself get through this time. If necessary, remove yourself temporarily from the situation. If that still does not work, take the problem to another adult - Don't try to handle it yourself.
Do not blame yourself. Blaming yourself will only cause you unnecessary pain and suffering. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way we want... but... that doesn't mean we made any mistakes. It simply means we are human! If you stay in self-pity mode, you will never improve the situation. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get busy doing something about it! If necessary, rework the situation so it is more suitable to your child's stage of development. If necessary, remove your child from the situation altogether!
Conclusion
Managing a child's behaviour is the most important job you will ever have. It is something that must be done with love and care. There is no "quick fix". No magic pill. No instant technique that will work every time. The only way to really help your child is to be involved in the process of solving problems... and... most of the time... this means you too will need to "get in there" and participate. Don't expect to be perfect at this. Just keep trying and remember... You Don't Have A Bad Kid, You Have A Kid Who Is Still Trying To Find His Way!
I hope this has been a help to you. I know how difficult it can be to raise a child with any kind of problem especially one as complex as ADHD. If you ever need any help at all with your child or with any other aspect of your life just contact me and I'll do my best to help you.
Comments